no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
