he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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