I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
