Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
