I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
