I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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