the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
