Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
