i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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