im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
birth control should be required to get into college
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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