I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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