I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
