Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Come on in and take your pants off
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