The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
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I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
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Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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