I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
is it fun? or sober?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
