I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Boobs speak an international language.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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