did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Randomize
