It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
