Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
