I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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