Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
