The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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