I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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