The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
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Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
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I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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