So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
