why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
