Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
