My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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