I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
