Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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