the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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