i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
