So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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