I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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