i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
