I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
