it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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