Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
