remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
