Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just fell off a train. Bad.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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