I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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