I love black thongs
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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