filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
