Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
