hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
