boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
