My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
