Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
