I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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