can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
