Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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