Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
