I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
