i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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