he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
