Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
