He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
