I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
